Dom Casmurro

by Machado de Assis

LXXVIII - Secrecy for Secrets

Besides, at the same time I felt the need to tell someone what was going on between me and Capitú. I did not mention everything, but only a part, and it was Escobar who received it. When I returned to the seminary on Wednesday, I found him uneasy; He told me that it was his intention to go and see me if I delayed another day at home. I wondered with interest what I had, and whether everything was good.

-I am.

He listened, stinging my eyes. Three days later he said that they were finding me very distracted; it was good to disguise as much as he could. Elle, on his part, had reason to be distracted too, but he sought to be attentive.

"Then it seems to you ....?"

"Yes, sometimes you do not hear anything, looking honestly; disguise, Santiago.

-I have reasons ....

-Creio; no one is distracted by anything

-Escobar ....

I hesitated; he waited.

-What is?

"Escobar, you're my friend, I'm your friend too; here in the seminary you are the person who has most entered my heart, and there I went, except the family, I do not have a friend.

"If I say the same thing," he replied, smiling, "he loses his grace; It seems like I'm repeating. But the truth is that I do not have relations with anyone here, you are the first and I think you have noticed; but I do not care about that.

Moved, I felt the voice rush through my throat.

"Shrink, can you keep a secret?"

-You ask is because you doubt, and in this case ....

Sorry, it's a way of speaking. I know he's a serious young man, and I pretend to confess to a priest.

"If you need absolution, you're acquitted."

"Shrink, I can not be a priest." I am here, my people believe, they expect it; but I can not be a priest.

-Not me, Santiago.

-Neither you?

"Keep it a secret; I also have the purpose of not finishing the course; my desire is commerce, but do not say anything, absolutely nothing; It's just between us. And it is not that I am not religious; I am religious, but commerce is my passion.

-Only that?

"What else is it?"

I made two rounds and whispered the first word of my confession, so scarce and deaf, that I did not hear it myself; I know, however, that I said "a person ..." with reticence. A person....? It did not take more for him to understand. A person must be a girl. Do not even think you're astonished to see me boyfriend; he thought it was natural and he stuck his eyes at me again. Then I told him what I could, but not long enough to have the pleasure of repeating it. Escobar listened with interest; at the end of our conversation, he declared to me that it was a secret buried in a cemetery. He advised me not to become a priest. He could not take to the church a heart that was not of heaven, but of earth; he would be a bad priest, nor a priest. Instead. God protected the sincere; since I could only serve him in the world, I had to stay there.

You do not calculate the pleasure you gave me the confidence I gave you. It was like more happiness. That young heart that listened to me and was right, brought an extraordinary aspect to this world. It was a great and beautiful world, life an excellent career, and I was no more nor less a mimoso of the sky; here is my feeling. Note that I did not tell you everything, not the best; I did not mention the chapter of the hairstyle, for example, nor others like that; but the count was too much.

That we have returned to the subject, it is not necessary to say it. We came back one and many times; I praised the moral qualities of Capitú, an adequate subject to the admiration of a seminarian, simplicity, modesty, love of work and religious customs. I did not touch his physical graces, nor did he ask me about them; I merely insinuated the convenience of knowing it by sight.

"It's not possible now," I told him the first week after returning home; Capitú is going to spend a few days with a friend from the street of the Invalids. When she comes, you will go there; but he was able to go before; Why was not dinner with me?

-You did not invite me.

"Why do you need to invite?" Everyone at home was very fond of you.

"I like everyone, too, but if it's possible to make a distinction, I confess that your mother is a lovely lady.

-Is not true? retorqui full of uproar.